peeta_bread | IC Contact

[Peeta's completely unprepared to see her. He opens the door, his fingers smudged in a rainbow of colors.

He gapes at her, not sure what to say, what to do. She looks angry, and he has a feeling it's his fault. He waits for the shove, not daring to speak.]

[For a moment, there's silence. Stillness. She regards him with a cold stare.

And then -

She shoves him THE FUCK INTO THE WALL.

But she doesn't just leave it at that; she also pins him there, using all the force that one arm can manage. When she speaks, her voice is closer to a hiss.]

What are you doing?

[He lets out a startled grunt as he's shoved to the wall. He's trapped. She's ready for the kill. He waits for the hit. You stupid creature.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

When it doesn't come, he looks up at her, his face in a grimace. How does he answer her? He doesn't know. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out.]

[The look on his face is enough to reach something in her. Through the layers of anger that had fortified themselves so quickly, and straight to her gut, with almost enough power to knock breath out of her lungs.

It's all too familiar, because it's the thing that never stops eating at her. Even if anger could abate it temporarily, it could never truly leave.

She drops her hold on him, lets her arm falter to her side. Her voice, however, loses none of the venom.]

You have no right.

[He's relieved when she lets go. He's upset. And angry. He's getting angry. Angry at the situation, at her, at himself. His eyes are brimming with tears.] To what? To post a stupid drawing? To talk about you?

[She never asked for her image to be used without her knowledge, much less consent. Never asked to be made into a symbol, to have so much blood on her hands as a result. Never asked to figurehead a revolution, to carry so much on shoulders that aren't strong enough to bear the weight. (Not when they weren't even strong enough to carry Mags.)

Never asked to be standing here, having this conversation.

She meets his gaze, defiant, and opens her mouth for the retort. But that's when -

That's when it occurs to her that she doesn't have any right, either. Not with what she's done. (What she couldn't do.)

The anger that carried her here starts to burn on embers. It's her turn to have no words to answer with.]

[His anger falters, and his eyes soften.] Katniss, I have always been on your side. I didn't mean to upset you. It was a stupid, inconsiderate thing to do, and I'm sorry.

[He tugs at his hair, frustrated.] We agreed to be friends. But you're avoiding me for some reason. And I can't stand it, Katniss, I can't. What happened to allies? What are we doing?

[I'm sorry

Two words, just two words, but they have so much power. From the instant they're said, they reverberate in her brain, and start a chain reaction that she's unable to control. Guilt, guilt that's been with her for so long it almost feels like a part of her, now resurfaces with a vengeance; it spreads to every tip, forms a knot in her chest and a lump in her throat. Turns her feet into lead.

She wants to leave, to default to her natural response. The longer he goes on, the harder this becomes to endure. But no matter how hard, she knows she can't walk away, can't avoid. Not this time.

A long moment of silence, an eternity of silence, passes. It may seem like she has nothing to say at all, until- ]

Don't apologize. [The words are blunt, and could be taken as harsh, if her voice wasn't so choked.]

[He sees that he had an effect on her but he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand at all and he doesn't know what to do. A tear falls down his cheek.]

I don't understand.

[He searches her eyes desperately for the answer, another tear falling.]

[Her gaze drops to the floor; the one avoidant response she can't help, because it's as reflexive as breathing. But it doesn't stop the lump in her throat from steadily growing so large she could choke on it. Doesn't stop anything at all.

She takes a breath that's meant to be steadying, but there's a hitch in it.]

It should be me. [Then, so quiet it's barely above a whisper:] I'm sorry.

What... [It takes him a bit to catch up. But he does, surprise and then grief taking over.] Katniss, no... no, don't say that. Don't apologize. Please don't.

[He didn't want to die. He didn't want to be trapped in the Capitol. He was scared and he wanted a way out. But he didn't want to show that to Katniss.]

It's okay.

[He takes her gently by the shoulders. He didn't realize how much he hurt her, the guilt he'd put on her. She doesn't deserve that. He doesn't want to hurt her anymore.]

It's not your fault. Just let it go. Let me go.

[She looks up with wide eyes, both in response to the touch and to what she's hearing. Because it's what she'd heard before, so long ago now. But in an instant, all that time fades away. She's on the beach in the arena, listening with dread as he makes his intentions clear.

"If you die, and I live, there's no life for me at all back in District 12. You're my whole life. ... No one really needs me."

Tears that have been months overdue begin to spill over before she can blink them back.]

No. [She shakes her head vehemently.] No. It was my fault. All my fault. I should've - [A beat] I shouldn't have gone. I... I shouldn't have left you. I -

[She can't finish the thought. A sob cuts in.]

[He immediately gathers her up in a hug. He can't stand to see her like this. He's crying by now, too, the tears falling onto her shoulder.]

Shh. It wasn't your fault. It was Haymitch's decision and he made it. I forgave him a long time ago.

[It still stung a lot, but he understood. He chose Katniss. It's what Peeta wanted.]

I've been so stupid in Exsilium. I wasn't thinking of you. I'm so sorry, Katniss. Please let me be your friend. Please don't push me away. I need you.

[Once it starts, it can't stop. By now, the sobs are uncontrollable. A dam has burst, allowing months and months' worth of emotions she'd held back to flood out all at once. The anguish, the guilt, the hopelessness, and everything in between. And it's then that she's finally allowed to break.

She willingly allows herself to be gathered into that hug, and wraps her arms around his neck. Clings to him like a lifeline. A capacity for words is beyond lost to her, but when she can catch a breath, she nods against his shirt in response.

Because she needs him, too. What she'd said to him on the beach is still just as true as it ever was.]

[He just holds her for a long time, closing his eyes. He's so relieved. He didn't want to lose her.

He pulls away reluctantly once she's calmed down a little.]

Hey. You have me here, okay? I promise, as long as you need me, I'll be there.

[The truth is, she doesn't deserve this. Not really. What she's done has no chance of being absolved until he's out of the Capitol and safe. Until she's killed Snow. Even then, it may never be.

But she can't deny that by the time she's cried out and he pulls away, she feels so much lighter, lighter than she has in almost as long as she can remember. She even manages to give him the smallest of smiles when she's pulled herself together.

There is, though, one more apology she has to make. (Wouldn't Effie be proud right now)]

I'm sorry I pushed you.

[He smiles back.] Hey, don't worry. I've had worse.

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